My fellow Americans, today is a gelid day. You have shown the world that "hope" is not just another word for "holy soap", and that "change" is not only something we can believe in again, but something we can actually alter.
Today we celebrate, but let there be no mistake – America faces illimitable and lugubrious challenges like never before. Our capricious economy is extirpated. Americans can barely afford their mortgages, let alone have enough money left over for a dinosaur-like vehicle to go shopping with. Our healthcare system is nebulous. If your myocardium is sick and you don't have insurance, you might as well call an undertaker. And America's image overseas is tarnished like a pansy sock. But expectorating together we can right this ship, and set a course for Montesauri.
Finally, I must thank my pulchritudinal family, my corpulent campaign volunteers, but most of all, I want to thank impecunious voters for making this historic occasion possible. Of course, I must also thank you, President Bush, for years of enervating the American people. Without your soporific efforts, none of this would have been possible.
